Dear Readers From the Seven Continents And Beyond:
We make no apology for our lull in activity, for leaving you wanting, desperate. Wipe the drool and tears from your chins! Phenomenal Nobodies has returned….
Where have we been? Did we lose the drive to continue the mission of The Museum of Natural Historicity? No. We were on a mission, one that took your fearless Editor-In-Chief, across seas and the savage jungles of major international airports. I wished to report on it all. I longed for you, my dear readers. But my whereabouts and my purpose had to remain unknown for fear that I would be followed by our arch nemesis, the evil, dreaded loafers whose grandfathers, fathers and idols brought you Hoover, Watergate, the Iran Contra Affair and the inept response to Hurricane Katrina. On this mission, I was confronted with death at least a dozen times. There was one episode with quicksand, another with a thuggish bloke outside of a bar in Nairobi, and a third with the mother of a girl I met in Athens who insisted that I allow her husband to perform felatio on me. What a strange and desperate country Greece, the crucible of civilization, has become!
The Museum of Natural Historicity’s chief trustee, Mr. Allen Wannamaker, sent me in search of the great writer Gil Soltz, a magnet of joy, beautiful people, and the founding father of Streetrunning (here’s a never before seen clip of Soltz detailing Streetrunning for the layman). After more than two decades of corresponding with embassies and affluent diplomats, word had finally come across Mr. Wannamaker’s wires that Gil Soltz was running the streets of Paris, smoking Gitanes with the Guyanese filmmaker Mason Richards and numerous others. Two hours later, my bags were packed, my trusty assistant’s were as well, and we were off.
We found Soltz at a Moulin in Normandy in the end of June, a time of year during which the roses are robust, the days sun-filled, and the evenings cool. It happened to be his wedding. What a lucky man this Gil Soltz is! Such a beautiful wife he has. Such beautiful friends. They embraced Phenomenal Nobodies, our ideals and mission.
“A real Editor-In-Chief,” Soltz’s mother said. “And at my son’s wedding! Mazel Tov! How wonderful!”
What we gained from this trip is invaluable. First, Soltz sat down with us to share the definitive answer to the question, What is streetrunning? (see below) Second, how many can say they were at the wedding of the great writer Gil Soltz at a Moulin in Normandy? (Few, very few) Third, we had the priviledge of reading Soltz’s soon to be released manuscript, Establishment, a work equal parts passionate, magnanimous and groundbreaking. It is a great honor to include an excerpt of Soltz’s words in the hallowed halls of The Museum of Natural Historicity. Why, you may ask? Simply: there is no genius more generous than his.
As always, we of Phenomenal Nobodies wish nothing but the phenomenal for you.
(excerpted from Gil Soltz’s soon to be released ESTABLISHMENT)
Mayor B, we do not want another massacre of residents, please call off the assassins. Give the geese a chance. I love geese. The park commissioner continues to stay silent. Faint British accent surrounded by protesters holding up signs, some of them handmade, all on the steps of City Hall with the film crews and photographers. Members of the press, it began at Prospect Park on July 7th with 41 baby geese. These goslings were born and then gone the next day. They were gone. We expected the worst. We immediately piled the statistics. Nobody could believe what had been done. Where are the geese? What happened to the? We were given numerous implausible explanations: they flew into the bay, they’re still here hiding from the heat. Now we know they were buried in a landfill. They were set up in holding pens. Five days after our alert, we were called up by the New York Times. The USDA admitted to killing the geese. Wildlife is not an abstraction. How will we teach children about life when their goose friends are being escorted away to death? I’ve been placed on a committee to start rebuilding trust with the geese. A very modest federal style family of swans with four baby swans is the last family left. I’m asking you to adopt them and give them the full protection of your office. My name is Elaine Henricks. I’m an actress. From L.A. I came in the defense of the geese.
Clearance is down eleven steps and fifty years in either direction. Young, old, long-faced, lipsticked and dressed, holding “poop=death sentence” signs. Dignified city politicians, contractors, developers, idea folks, planners, social workers, departments of housing, buildings, facilities, etc. etc. this is how it works in a provincial town: divide and organize, go through murky channels, make enough people jump, record it, post it, hang an anti-mayor banner. Just another hater: picture of geese. Hide the cross section of broad-based self-seeking. Their land is their land. Communities. People of the United States. Volunteers. Happy Faces advanced since the sixties, bodies slated for gravity: Real progress for real New Yorkers. Your elected officials are bombarded with information. The only way to pierce through it is to bombard them with more. Write letters to the Secretary of Agriculture so that they know we’re serious! I voted for change. Somebody who would address the needs of the working class. People who wouldn’t bow to special interests. What will you do? Only if they hear from constituents will they do anything. Invite elected officials, known and recognized, to represent, to send the message: stop killing our fish and wildlife. The animals that define our humanity. Care about goose and people life.
Gil Soltz b. 1975 in the land of milk and honey, raised in San Bernadino, California. The recipient of numerous awards, he attended Brandeis University, New York University, Warren Wilson College, The Sorbonne, and Oxford. He’s dabbled in theatre, worked as a night watchman in the Rose Art Museum, and pursued writing forward. He is an admired and world renowned avant gardiste whose teachings have a worldwide following, the founding father of Streetrunning and an honorary, albeit undiscovered, member of the New York Explorer’s Club. His work has been published and read widely.